


Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

by willowcat33



Category: Escape the Night (Web Series)
Genre: Carnivals, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Flustered Colleen Ballinger, Flustered Safiya Nygaard, Friends to Lovers, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Prom Night, Relationship(s), Self-Indulgent, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, all the good tropes, manny is the gay cousin, plOT TWIST SO IS SAF, realising you're gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-01 10:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20256367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowcat33/pseuds/willowcat33
Summary: Its nearly one am, and Safiya is still awake. She can’t stop replaying the events of Joey’s party in her mind, and as she lies in bed, staring at her ceiling, she keeps coming back to the moment where Colleen kissed her. She’d kissed four people that night, so why is she only focusing on Colleen? Saf shouldn’t be; she’s straight , for god’s sake. Not that she thinks there’s anything wrong with not being straight ( Manny’s her cousin, so how could she?), but she is.~What happens when two idiots fall in love, but spend the next millenia dancing around their feelings? This, apparently.





	1. You Keep On Denying (Who You Are and How You're Feeling) - Safiya

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Obligatory Spin the Bottle Fic (Season 3 Edition)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16333757) by [canufeelthemagictonight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canufeelthemagictonight/pseuds/canufeelthemagictonight). 
**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Song: Won't Say I'm In Love - Thomas Sanders
> 
> "(Oh…)  
You keep on denying  
Who you are and how you’re feeling  
Baby, we’re not buying  
Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling  
(Oh, no)  
Face it like a grown-up  
When you gonna own up  
That you got, got, got it bad? (Oh)"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right theres like nO safleen not-angst so we're here to fix that, enjoy!  
also, its technically an unofficial sequel,,, thing,, to The Obligatory Spin The Bottle Fic (Season 3 Edition) by my good pal leah!!! please go check that out (i suspect you already have but still)!
> 
> also, here's the spotify playlist for this fic! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0wt95yX7LuAgj3tqj3FMzr?si=Y0JKeCqdQwyvYe0-WXdV3A
> 
> \- T <3

Its nearly one am, and Safiya is still awake. She can’t stop replaying the events of Joey’s party in her mind, and as she lies in bed, staring at her ceiling, she keeps coming back to the moment where Colleen kissed her. She’d kissed _ four _ people that night, so why is she only focusing on Colleen? Saf shouldn’t be; she’s _ straight _ , for god’s sake. Not that she thinks there’s anything wrong with not being straight ( _ Manny’s _her cousin, so how could she?), but she is. 

Definitely, wholly, entirely, 100% straight.

_ Maybe it’s because it was my first kiss? _ She clutches desperately at a possible explanation. _ There’s gotta be some sort of psychological attachment...thing… _

Saf sighs, and the tension falls from her shoulders. It’s getting late, and even though it's a Saturday, she needs to sleep. She pushes all thoughts (of Colleen or otherwise) from her brain, and shuts her eyes.

//

_ It’s a beautiful midsummer’s evening, the middle of the golden hour. Saf’s sat with Colleen, laughing and talking softly. Colleen’s brown hair seems more golden, almost ethereal, in the soft light. Colleen brushes some of her hair out of her face, looking up at Saf, smiling, and Saf’s heart does a flip. _

_ Colleen gently takes her hand, intertwining their fingers softly. _

_ "Hey," Saf says softly, grinning like a fool. _

_ "Hey, yourself" Colleen's nose crinkles as she smiles, poking her tongue out. _

_ Saf laughs a breathless laugh. _ God, _ she thinks, _ I'm so far gone on this girl. _ There are butterflies in her stomach, or should she call them moths, since they're drawn in by the light that spills from Colleen's soul. _

_ Their faces are so close, it wouldn't take much to close the gap, not much at all. Saf gently tucks her free hand under Colleen's chin, tilting her head up ever so slightly. _

_ "I- Can I kiss you?' she asks, slightly bluntly. _

_ Colleen laughs, adoringly. "Of course, you're my girlfriend after all." _

_ Saf smiles, and leans forward, till the gap between them is barely an inch long, and all she can hear is Colleen's breathing and the thumping of her own heart. _

_ She keeps leaning forward, and then… _

_ // _

Saf jolts up in bed, waking from her dream with a start. It takes her a minute to gather her memories of her dream but when she does-

_ Fuck. What the hell was that?! _

She's freaked out, she's never dreamed that vividly or- or like _ that _ before. She looks at the clock: _10:21 am._

Saf decides to do what she always does when she's in doubt; call Manny (who also happens to be her cousin).

She picks her phone up off of the bedside table, flushed bright red all across her cheeks and ears.

She dials, and he picks up relatively quickly.

"Hey, babe, what's u-" 

She cuts him off, panicked. "_ Manny. _I need your help."

When Manny responds, he seems alarmed. "Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"Yes, yes, sorry, I'm not in danger. It's just- I can't stop thinking about kissing,,, about kissing Colleen at the party, and I- uh, I had a dream last night.' Safiya's words are awkward and hurried.

Manny chuckles down the phone. "Oh, _ bitch. _ What sort of dream, may I ask?" He says, tone light and teasing.

_ "Manny!" _ She cries, flustered. "Nothing like what you're implying, oh my _ god." _She defends as he laughs down the line.

"It was just- you know…" She mumbles, embarrassed.

"No, babe, I don't. Come on, you can tell me." Manny coaxes gently.

"She- I- _ we _watched the sunset and held hands and she said I was her girlfriend and it felt weirdly good, and we were about to kiss and then I woke up!" Saf blurts out, flushing red again at the memory.

"Oh, _ wow, _bitch."

"_ What?" _She's frustrated, mainly at herself.

"I diagnose you with gay." He says flatly, with an unspoken "duh".

Saf splutters, flustered. "Manny! Don't mess around this is _ serious!" _

"Bitch, what part of that sentence made you think I was joking? You _ obviously _like her."

"What? No! I'm straight! Not that there's anything _ wrong _ with not being straight but I _ am!" _ Saf blunders. "I-I'm sure there's a perfectly straight explanation for this!"

"Oh really?" Manny seems amused. "Let's hear it then."

Saf goes silent for a minute, desperately looking for a straw to grasp.

_ "That's what I thought." _

“I- _ Manny! _I’m thinking, that’s all.” Saf protests. “It's- probably just because she was my first kiss-”

Manny interrupts. “She was your first kiss?!! Oh, _ bitch!” _

_ “Shut up!” _she whines, face heating up as her blush spreads. “There’s gotta be a psychological thing, right?”

“...yeah, _ sure, _Saffy~” Manny coos.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Saf says firmly (still flustered), and hangs up.

_ // _

It’s Monday lunch, at school, before Safiya has to face Manny (and Colleen) again. She only shares two classes with Colleen - English, in which she sits nowhere near the other girl, and Math, which is after lunch (and she doesn’t want to think about Maths yet).

They're all sat eating outside - it's been lovely and warm recently, so the group decided to make the most of it instead of staying in the classroom (the one that Colleen always refers to as Home Base- not that Safiya had been paying attention, definitely not) as normal.

Saf is just happily tucking into her meal, having a normal time, and then she looks up. Colleen is laughing about something, a joke presumably Teala made, and _ holy shit her smile is so pretty _, not that Saf likes her or anything like that. 

She's laughing, a full-bellied laugh, hair fluttering in the wind and stars in her eyes. And it makes Saf flush from head to toe, so she buries herself in her turtleneck and finishes her lunch.

Manny, sat across from her, gossiping away with Nikita, notices and raises a knowing eyebrow at her.

She blushes brighter, mouthing "shut up" and him from across the table. He wiggles his eyebrows, but thankfully goes back to his conversation with no further comment.

However, much to Safiya's utter panic, _ Colleen _notices her state, and comes bouncing over, leaning on the table and looking Saf in the eye.

_ Fuck. _

"What's wrong, Saf? Someone got you all hot and bothered~?". She teases, not knowing that _ she _ is that someone- not that Saf is crushing or anything! Saf is _ straight! _

"Uh- no- it's just the heat, really been warming up lately, haha." Safiya is a terrible liar, and she knows it, but the Gods answer her prayers and Colleen shrugs and drops the subject, after sceptically studying Saf's awkward face for a few everlasting (for Saf, at least) moments.

She bounces away again, swinging her hips as she moves (not that Safiya is staring), oblivious to Manny laughing into his fist in the corner.

The bell goes, thank god, and as Safiya scrambles to pack away her lunch and get to homeroom to avoid further scrutiny, she has _never_ been so happy about the end of lunch break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aa so excited for this! new chapters should be around weekly or bi-weekly!! if you liked it please leave a comment! they make my day and encourage me to write more!
> 
> \- T  
<3<3<3


	2. Am I Allowed, To Look At Her Like That? - Colleen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Song: She - Dodie Clark
> 
> "Am I allowed to look at her like that?  
Could it be wrong, when she's just so nice to look at?
> 
> She smells like lemongrass and sleep  
She tastes like apple juice and peach  
You would find her in a Polaroid picture  
And she means everything to me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! Written by Yours truly!- D

Lunchtime was most likely Colleen's favourite part of the day. Food, friends, and, of course, she got to try and impress Safiya! That was her absolute favourite part.

Safiya was her favourite part of everything, really.

Colleen knew she was pansexual. She had known for a while, so it wasn't that big a problem that she had a crush on a girl.

No, the problem was with  _ which  _ girl she had a crush on. Safiya Nygaard, the girl of her dreams. Anyway, the problem was the Safiya was as straight as a damn ruler. 

_ Manny said it was a bendy ruler, but you really couldn't believe Manny on anything. _

And, furthermore, even if Safiya wasn't straight, she wouldn't like Colleen's ass. 

And, once again, if Safiya did like Colleen, Colleen would only break her heart, and Colleen doesn't want Saf's first girlfriend to hurt her like that.

They left lunch, and Colleen began making her way to homeroom. She thought over what had happened at lunch, and remembered that Safiya was oddly nervous about something. 

_ Saf's a terrible liar, so it must be something! _

She could just ask Manny. If Safiya  _ did  _ tell  someone what her deal was, it would be Manny above all. 

She trotted over to where Manny was sitting next to Nikita and plopped down on the seat next to him. She waved and he smiled, and they fell silent, Manny's pencil scratching on paper the only sound she was focusing on.

Eventually she was able to gather her courage and tug on the sleeve of the green and grey hoodie he was wearing.

Manny glanced over to her and raised an eyebrow "What's up Disco Queen?" She giggled at the nickname, and leaned back in her chair, rocking forward and back again. "What's up with Saf, she seems pretty….. Uh….." Manny rolled his eyes. "Weird?" Colleen nodded, smiling a bit. 

"Oh, well… it's kinda a private thing, and you would have to ask Saf if you wanted to know."

Colleen stiffened at the implications. "Did some boy break her heart? Cuz i swear-" Manny cut her off with a shoulder pat. "Not exactly like that." And then he turned around and continued to talk with Nikita. 

While that was cryptic and odd, it did give her a new goal. Talk to Saf and find out just what's going on. The two only sat near each other in Math, and that wasn't till the end of the day.

_ Guess I'm waiting. _

The rest of homeroom was pretty chill; she hung out Manny and Nikita, and the three of them spent the time sat in comfortable almost silence, Colleen picking over the events of the day in her head. 

Colleen didn't know what was up with Saf, between this and Manny's confusing deflection, Colleen knew that whatever the hell was going on must have been incredibly important. 

_ And what about what he said when I asked about if it was some boy? "Not exactly like that?" What in the  _ hell _ does that mean? _

Colleen chewed on her pencil, trying not only to puzzle out what Manny meant, but also the math problems on the sheet in front of her. They weren't hard problems, but she had too many things to think about. She was just about to give up, when Safiya tapped her on her shoulder.

Safiya had been taking a pen apart and putting back together an old one, an old habit of hers. Saf often had pens in her pockets that she would take out and tinker with, switching springs and ink colors, or just taking them apart and putting them back together. 

_ Not that I've been looking at her lots or anything.  _

She glanced over at Saf, who was still looking at her, her head tilted to the side.

_ Man, she's adorable.  _

Colleen shook the invading thoughts out of her head. "What do ya need, Saf?" Safiya wordlessly tapped the paper, leaving a small mark from her ink-stained hands. Safiya had a panicked look on her face as she tried to rub it off with her sleeve. Colleen giggled and moved her hand away from the paper. "It's fine Saf! It's a small mark and it doesn't matter!" 

Safiya looked skeptical, but shoved her hands in her pockets, and mumbled, "You need help? I mean, the problems are pretty easy but if you need help I won't judge!" Colleen smiled a bit and Safiya's rambling, and just to talk to Safiya a bit more, she said, "Yeah, I do need help! Can we show me how to do it?" 

Saf slid over it her seat to she the worksheet better, and in doing so, their thighs pressed against each other. Colleen froze and blushed, and Safiya glanced up at her a laughed shyly, a (in Colleen’s opinion, absolutely  _ gorgeous)  _ red flush colouring her cheeks as well. 

Safiya tapped the first problem. "Well, solving multi-step equations used to be pretty difficult for me too, but once you get it, it's pretty chill." Colleen put her head in her palm and listened intently, even though she already knew how to complete the work. Seeing the happiness on Safiya's face as she explained all the work was enough for Colleen.

Occasionally Saf would glance up to see if Colleen was still listening and blush profusely before looking back down. 

The rest of the class went by relatively quick with Saf's help, and before she knew it, the day was over.

As she trotted out of the building with one strap of her backpack thrown over her shoulder, she caught sight of Safiya leaning against the gates, glancing around.  _ Probably waiting for Manny. _

However, to Colleen’s utter delight and surprise, Safiya perks up when she sees Clleen, and motions her over.

“What’s up?” Colleen asks, quirking an eyebrow at her.

“Hey, so, I was wondering…” Safiya bites her lip nervously (which makes Colleen’s heart flutter). “Manny, Matt, Ro, and I are going to a carnival at the end of the month, and, uh, if you want, you could come with? Y-you don’t have to! We just- had the space, and I thought you might like to?” She stutters, wringing her hands together.

“Oh- yes! I’d… I’d really like that” Colleen beams, and a light flush dances over Safiya’s cheekbones.

“Great! I’ll text you the details- oh, wait, I don’t  have your number, I don’t think?” Safiya says as she scrolls through her contacts list.

“Here, give me your phone.” Colleen says, taking it gently and saving herself into her crush’s phones with a warm feeling in her heart. “Text me when you get home, okay?” she asks as she hands it back.

“Okay, I’ll see you later then!” Safiya smiles, and the two of them part ways as they start to walk to their respective homes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter- Safiya realizes some things, and Manny is a good cousin-D


	3. And If You Have Nightmares, We'll Dance On The Bed - Safiya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Song: Guillotine - Jon Bellion
> 
> "And if you have nightmares, we'll dance on the bed  
I know that you love me, love me  
Even when I lose my head  
Guillotine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for internalised homophobia, minor identity crisis  
be safe y'all  
i promised myself i wouldn't make it angsty bUT LOOKY HERE-  
don't worry its all okay, manny is a good cousin

Saf practically runs home that afternoon, giddy with happiness. She should be worried about how happy it made her getting Colleen’s number, how excited she is to spend time with her at the carnival, but for now, she is just  _ happy.  _ And she’s going to bask in the sunshine whilst it lasts.

She hurries through the front door, plonking her bag in some random corner, kicking off her shoes and hurrying up to her room. Sitting on the bed, she pulls out her phone, heart doing flips.

Saf sends off a quick _ “Hello!” _ to Colleen, before checking her contacts to see what  _ exactly  _ Colleen saved herself as.

It says “carnival chaos maker,” with a little heart emoji at the end (which catches Saf’s attention more than it should). Her phone chimes with Colleen’s response-  _ “hey, tall girl!” _

Saf rolls her eyes, and replies, grinning dopily into her phone.

//

They talk for  _ hours,  _ only breaking when they each have to go eat dinner, but coming back to the conversation after- Saf finally remembers to tell her that Nikita is also coming to the carnival, but she’d forgotten to say earlier that day. By the time Colleen finally breaks it off, having to go to sleep, it’s after midnight, but Saf couldn’t be happier. Her whole face is warm, and her cheeks ache from smiling so hard for so long, and the butterflies in her stomach are  _ back. _

And then the truth hits her, and the smile falls from her face like a sack of bricks.

She, Safiya Nygaard, has a  _ crush,  _ on  _ Colleen Ballinger  _ of all people.

She’s  _ not  _ straight.

At that realisation, she panics, her sense of self shattering.  _ What does this mean?! Has she been living a lie her whole life? What is she supposed to do now?? _

Hot tears, springing out of nowhere, well in her eyes, and she feels shaken to her core., shoulders heaving with the force of her emotion. So she does what she always does when she panics- call Manny. Even though it's so late at night, it barely rings once before he picks up.

“Manny, I-I  _ like  _ her,” she gets out through sobs, shoulders shaking with the force of her emotions

“ _ Yes!  _ I  _ knew  _ it- wait, doll, are you alright? Why’re you crying, babe?” His tone switches from triumphant to concerned in a second as he registers how upset she is.

“Manny, I-I don’t know what to  _ do,  _ I’m not s-straight and I don’t know who I  _ am  _ anymore-” she breaks down sobbing once more, unable to finish her sentence.

“Right, that's it, I’m coming over. Give me five minutes, doll, hang on.” And he hangs up.

Saf sets her phone down, shaking, trying to draw breath into her lungs.

It's barely 5 minutes later when the doorbell rings, and she jumps, going to answer it. There, holding a copy of  _ The Cat Returns,  _ and a blanket tucked under one arm, is Manny, who embraces her the moment she opens the door.

_ What a sight I must make,  _ she thinks bitterly as she sniffles into Manny’s chest as he holds her tight, cooing soothingly into her ears. She pulls away, to let him get into the house.

Manny slips out of his shoes, and sits down on the couch, beckoning for her to come and sit with him. Saf is still shaking and takes a deep breath as Manny gently tucks the blanket around her, effectively turning her into a sushi roll of sad blankets.

"How are you holding up, doll?" He asks gently, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand soothingly.

Saf shakes her head and sighs. "I don't wanna talk about it right now, can we just, I don't know, chill and play Mario Kart for now? Need to be distracted." She mumbles.

Manny nods gently and boots up the Wii, loading the game disc and putting the controllers into the wheels.

"Player One, I presume?" He checks with Saf, who is still wrapped up in a blanket burrito of sorts. She nods, and catches the wheel he throws to her.

//

They play for hours until their thumbs ache from holding down the accelerator buttons and Saf's worries start to melt away.

Safiya wins overall, she always does, and that puts a soft grin on her tear-streaked face. She stretches her sore hands out.

"Do you admit defeat? Or shall we go another round?" She teases her cousin.

Manny rolls his eyes fondly. "You win, bitch, don't be smug!" He quips back, laughing.

"Can we watch  _ The Cat Returns  _ now? I can make us popcorn?" She offers.

"Oo, yes, sweet and salty?"

"Of course!" She gets up and makes her way to the kitchen, shaking out a bowl of kernels and putting it in the microwave.

Safiya retrieves the salt and sugar as it pops in the microwave, listening to the comforting sound and making small talk with Manny.

Once it's all done, she mixes in the sugar and salt, and brings it over, still hot, to the couch. She sits down as Manny puts the movie in, spreading the blanket out so they can both use it, not just her.

She tucks up into his side to cuddle, comforted by his presence, as the movie begins to play.

Saf's mind stays peacefully empty, enraptured by the adorable animation and goofy plot. It's late as hell, she knows, but at least they have a teacher prep day tomorrow, so there's no school.

Which also means she doesn't have to face Colleen for a little longer, which is a consolation.

She's seen this movie so many times she can practically recite it, so about three-quarters of the way through she turns to Manny.

"...Could we maybe talk about, well, me?" She asks hesitantly.

"Hm? What's up, doll?" Manny turns to her, film losing his attention as well.

"Well, I'm not straight, right, but I want.. want to put a term to  _ this,"  _ She gestures vaguely in the direction of her heart.

"That's very normal, hon, but just remember that sexuality is fluid and if your label changes that's okay too, yeah?" Manny says.

"Okay," Saf replies, almost nervously.

"Okay! Let's run through some questions, okay? I won't judge your answers at all, just try to be honest, honey." Manny shifts slightly on the sofa, eager to help Safiya.

"Do you like girls?" He asks, somewhat bluntly.

Saf pauses for a second to think, and then, begrudgingly, whispers a "yes".

"In what way? In a-" he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. "-Way? Or just romantically?"

Safiya thinks about her dream and flushes bright red again. "Both." She answers quietly, avoiding Manny's gaze.

"Okay! What about boys?"

Her gut instinct is to say yes, but when she thinks about it, she's never felt as interested in boys as she has been in girls. Saf hates men's football, but she could watch women's for days, and she's now realising that not only does she love it because women's rights, but she also loves watching women play sport. Because she must admit, they're hot. But men? Gross, most of them.

She was confused, at a young age, when her female peers - and some male peers too - started going gaga over boys. She could never see what they saw in them.

Now, she realises why.

_ "No,"  _ she says, face flushing even redder with embarrassment.

As promised, Manny doesn't judge her or pry her reasoning any further, which is a relief.

"Okay, babe, that's valid. Does the term lesbian feel comfortable at all? Or do you wanna keep answering questions?"

She tries it out in her mind-  _ This is Saf, she's a lesbian -  _ and tosses the word around her head for a bit. Whilst at first, she flinches away from the term, she quickly finds herself becoming more and more comfortable with it.

"...Yes, I think it does." She answers, slightly more confident this time, grinning ever-so-slightly.

Manny beams back, happy for her. "Great! So you're gonna try that out for a while, yeah? Remember, it could change, and you don't have to mention it at all to anyone else if you don't wanna, you funky lil' lesbian."

She gently takes Manny's hand. "Got it. Thank you." She says optimistically-  _ maybe this won't be so bad after all? _

With hope and quiet filling her head once more, she falls asleep on Manny's shoulder, and unbeknownst to her, he follows suit.

Saf's last thought before she falls into the comfort of sleep is how much she loves Manny, and how lucky she is to have him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! remember to leave a comment, love y'all!  
\- T xx


End file.
